He squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. He saw the faces of the audience for the first time clearly. Laughing and applauding. They were all Mexicans and he felt like he was in a dusty ring in a colonial city and it made him proud to be connected to history. He had not grown up around history. They bowed again and then ran out of the tent.
The cool air hit them and their hands parted. Ivan was there outside the tent like he'd been watching through the gap.

 

 "Three rungs," he said. "Ma, maybe we got a circus kid here."
Estelle was sitting on a folding chair with a blanket around her shoulders.
"Ivan, don't," she said.
"I'm just congratulating him," he said.

 

He mussed Roger's hair and hopped through a rip in the tent, which erupted in laughter. Marco and Chris high-fived Roger. He was giddy with triumph. Cara kissed him on the cheek and he felt her fingers on his skin under his shirt. Hot currents ran through him. The steam came off his head in a cloud. He wanted to howl.

 

"I'm going to get Strider," Cara said.
Roger stood in the midst of his circus family laughing and receiving congratulations and watching Cara's ass as she walked away into the dark towards the big horse whose back she'd be standing on in a few moments. He walked after her and caught up with her as she took the lead rope of the Percheron.
"Cara."
She wheeled around on him. He'd surprised her. Her mind was already on the horse. Roger felt the horse's big eye on him as he came close and he lost the courage he'd had when he decided to walk after Cara. He was alone in a park under the floodlights in a costume.
"I'm going on," she said.
"I know."
He stepped close to her.
"Can I kiss you?"

 

She closed her eyes and lowered her chin, like she was thinking and bracing herself at the same time. Roger leaned over and kissed her lips. Her lips were warm and still for a moment, and then she kissed him back and he heard the horse whinny as she tugged the lead rope to her hip.
When they separated Roger had a smile that looked like it would break his face and Cara had a worried expression. She looked back over his shoulder towards the tent.

 

"I have to go on," she said.
She walked the horse in a circle and put her foot in the stirrup.
"I love you," Roger said.

 

She turned back and shook her head no and furrowed her brow at him but he saw her smile as she swung her leg over Strider and cantered away towards the front of the tent. Roger walked back towards the floodlights behind the tent where Estelle sat in her folding chair. He was watching her face. She had heavy jowls and her hair was dyed cheaply so that it looked blue-black and coarse. Her eyelids were painted bright blue and her lips an orangey red that didn't match the color of the blush on her cheeks. It was a face that had been covered in stage make-up since she was a little girl. Her eyelashes were fake and long and black, so that you could barely see her eyes in them. Still even without seeing her face you could look at the tension in her shoulders and see her hands wringing against each other and see that she was in pain. Her husband was no longer really connected to reality. She was a mother and her boy climbed to the tops of tents and swung from aluminum piping for his living. Her daughter jumped on and off giant horses that could crush her head by accident. Her children would die violently. It was that simple.

 

Roger wanted to tell her not to worry because the blood had quickened in his veins and he had his imaginary woman and he knew Ivan must have gods protecting him too, and that the risk was not what it looked like when you had your gods protecting you. Estelle had been a singer, but never a circus actor. She couldn't understand the feeling that your body is as connected to everything as the blades of grass and when you find that connection you cannot fall. The circus wasn't like it was when Giovanni had to work five acts a day impossibly high. You could make mistakes then, just out of fatigue. It wasn't like that anymore.

 

Roger was thinking all of that looking at her and walking back towards the light of the tent from the dark paddock where Cara had left him, and love was coursing through him. He thought back to the morning, to that moment atop the tent, and saw the whole day unzip backwards. His mind was moving so fast. So this is life, he thought. It's faster than I thought. You wait and wait and then it happens so fast.
As he thought that, he heard a sound that wasn't a sound. It was a whoosh of silence and it felt like it ran through the ground. And the whoosh of silence from the tent was followed by a moment of an uneasy rustling, like the unwrapping of a butcher package. Ted's voice broke the quiet. A desperate shout. Werner came out of the back of the tent, shaking. Estelle met his eyes, stood up from her chair. He tried to grab her but she went past him, and tore open the tent. Roger got a sick feeling in his stomach and ran toward the opening.
Werner stopped him.
"Ivan fell," he said.
"What happened?"
"Go to the gate and wait for the ambulance."
Roger wanted to see Ivan. He could tell it was not a good urge. He wanted to see Ivan hurt, just to see what he looked like.
"Show them how to get in," Werner said.

 

Werner walked back inside. Roger headed around to the front of the tent. Ted's voice came over the PA. The crowd began to file out of the tent.
The voice: "We are extremely sorry, but we have to cancel the show. Please help us by clearing the tent."

 

That was it. The show was over. Cara would not try her flip. Roger saw Strider, tied to one of the tent posts at the front of the marquee. The big Percheron was uneasy, confused at being left alone, but he was not tugging at the rope. He could feel the disaster probably. The people filed out, the men reconstructing the fall and playing it out with their hands, the women looking horrible or crying, the kids eyes shining with excitement. Roger walked among them towards the front gate of the park.

 

"Hey buddy," a voice called. "Nice trick with the ladder."

 

Roger nodded. As he waited there he imagined Ivan's fall. How he must have missed catching the piece of aluminum narrowly, how his fingers had snagged on it, twisting his body. His face would have changed then, the fixed adrenaline smile turned into a contorted silent scream, and then his body falling through the air, his hands reaching down toward the ground.

 

The ambulance came quickly and he spoke to them through the window. They drove across the grass to the opening in the tent. Roger followed. Inside Estelle, Mina, and Cara were bent over Ivan. Cara's face was covered with tears. The EMT's brought over a board and worked on Ivan, speaking to him. He was conscious but he could not speak because one of his ribs was sticking through his left lung. There was blood on his lips and his arm was bent underneath him unnaturally. His eyes were shining, like he was looking at something none of them could see. Roger walked over behind Cara and laid his hand on her shoulder lightly. She turned to look at him and her face was angry, her eyes full of blame. He took his hand off of her shoulder.

 

They put Ivan on the stretcher and took him away. Estelle went with her son. The rest of them watched the ambulance go until the lights were out of sight and then they were there, silent in the cool night air out front of the tent marquee. Ted held Mina tightly.

 

"We'll take the truck to the hospital after we get changed," Ted said. "If anyone wants to come we'll meet out here."

 

Werner was the first to leave. He walked over to Strider and untied him. After that the trance was broken and the group separated, heading back to their trailers to change. Roger watched Cara go with Mina. She hadn't looked at him at all. Roger felt guilty for not thinking about Ivan. He was only thinking about Cara, how she had been his for a moment and wasn't anymore. Maybe never would be.
In the trailer, Marco and Chris were undressed sitting across from each other on their bunks.

 

"What the hell do we do now?" Chris said.
"Get drunk," Marco said. "That's what my family does. The women wait up and the men get drunk."